It’s the end of another year now, and I feel the urge to sit and think of everything that has happened in the past year. Like some messages circulated around describe all the radical changes in our lives about end of school, board exams, college admissions and stuff one after another all of this does seem as huge changes. I also know while writing this, that a year back when I was thinking about the end of 2013 I was a completely different person in very many ways. And I believe everything that has changed, has changed for the good. After all isn’t change the only constant in life? And if you haven’t changed a bit over time for the good, isn’t your life too static?

Around this time last year the buzz was about the sarees for the farewell, the colors and accessories, designs and the need of most people to have the perfect one, unique ones, people would circulate pictures of others clad in different sarees, everybody trying out how one looks in it, and all of that buzz. I am sure my juniors are going through that very phase now. But you know at the end of it, the magic of the whole thing was in being draped in it and relishing the day, enjoying the function, being around friends, cheering for your friends for the competitions and what not. There was a time I was a bit apologetic to some for receiving the Best Student Award on farewell, but time taught me you get what you deserve eventually, you don’t need to be apologetic for something that brought in joy to you, even though momentarily.

Right before the farewell, we had the handing over ceremony when I cried bitterly after my speech right on the stage. Thankfully we had it in the auditorium and it was a bit dark so I was saved of the pressing questions. But the year started with the lesson of all good things coming to an end.

I was one crazy person who was really excited for the Board examinations, like really excited for the experience, until the morning I had my English exam and I dealt with that dreaded feeling. My exams were extended over months, and that was awful. I was underprepared for almost all exams, except English and the experience taught me you can either be underprepared or over prepared, there’s no middle way. And being underprepared gives you an awful feeling during exams, the important ones basically.

I spent my birthday eve complaining being away from home, on my way to Vaishno Devi and also relishing the beauty of the mountains but it was on the morning of 14^th June when I woke up to the hills and beauty surrounding me I knew there couldn’t be a better birthday than this.

The next BIG thing were the results. Unbelievable, all a matter of chance I feel. No actually, more than chance it was the result of all the well wishes and prayers I have had with me. It worked, but the greatest realization that it brought about was that marks and awards mean nothing to me. It didn’t affect me much, what did affect me was the absence of people to celebrate that fleeting joy with. But then while writing this, I recollect how happy and proud my parents were that morning. That was maybe enough. I did celebrate, with almost my entire class and that was one joyful event.

But only if results were the end of the frenzy. What followed was the admission process. My stupidity took away a chance to get into the college I always wanted to, through extra-curricular stuff. And later I missed it by a mark through the final cutoffs. The dream was a very dear one, so when I saw it dying, I was broken for a while. I remember the night I spent in utter disappointment and tears. But then I kept that as my lone struggle and I told myself better things are on my way. And believe me today I am exceptionally glad that it didn’t happen, God always has the best plans in mind.

Recognition Day and Felicitation at Studymate were valuable for the memories it brought with itself, and of course the photographs!

College started with some old friends around and a sense of familiarity and ease, which later gave way to uneasiness and a lost kind of a feeling in a matter of some days. But with time, life was sorted with the incredible friends I found around, some of which I know are for a lifetime. These people have given me the courage to very easily be my own self, without being repentant for the same. A number of like-minded people, some share my beliefs, some ideals and some dreams.

With college, came the extra space, I found Aadil and very many opportunities to  do good.

Amidst all of this, WDC came my way which is now a constant in life, and then all the daily lessons of being a C.R. for a class of around 87 people.  There’s so much to learn from these opportunities and handling responsibilities that I often can trace my growth as an individual over days.

Getting back to my hometown was both beautiful and tough this time. Tiya’s (My darling sister) first birthday was one of the most joyous occasion of the year. The love we share always reminds me how the feeling is much above words and obligations, its essence is in being unconditional. And tough because I came back with the knowledge of the unknown layers that often exists hidden beneath the image of a perfect family. Lesson learnt is that Perfect is forever an illusion, and it’s not always great being a child, because then we know only the good and the beautiful, reality remains a distant idea.

Apart from all of this, so much around the world has happened that has troubled me time and again, from the killing of children in Gaza to the current efforts by the right wing self-proclaimed representatives of Hindutva to damage the diverse character of our country, the massacre of children in Pakistan and the killings of tribal people in Kokrajhar, all of it affects me to the extent of making me hopeless, but my struggle is to cling to the cruel yet appealing hope for better times.

Through the year, I have become an impossible kind of an individual too. Somebody not easy to be tolerated, more honest which isn’t that appealing to people. Actually I feel the best thing that I did for myself was ceasing to make any effort to appease people by any chance. I have realized the best thing to do in life is being myself. I do not regret anything I have done in the past, even the ones that led to my own detriment because that was out of my choice. I have deliberately, a lot much intentionally cut myself from a lot of people, my effort was to cut down on any obligation actually but it seems people connect relationships directly to all possible compulsions of life. The ones free of any are still beautifully alive, at its best. The doting presence of certain friends is what sometimes leaves an absent kind of a feeling in my life but it’s better to keep the goodwill alive rather than the obligations and the negative feelings for extreme dissimilarities in the ideas and objectives close to two very different people. I do not regret spending all the efforts and time on people who have disappointed and hurt me too, because that was out of love which was indeed true in all ways but the relationship also withered away with a loss of respect and affection. However so, the constant will be the love that existed and will always do. I know, nothing can alter the essence of the feeling. There might be a discomfort in being around, but the love and the well wishes will be perpetual and I am always going to be around at every point they need me, there’s no second thought on that. I hope people understand this over time.

The year also brought with itself greater courage and determination for all my dreams.

And with all the struggles and joys, 2014 was also one very beautiful and eventful year.

I will forever be grateful to all the people who were a part of it, my family, friends, teachers ad well-wishers for all the struggles and breakdowns.